• The coach /manager may submit a roster if the referee begs nicely.
• The coach’s spur of the moment substitution request must be recognized the instant he thinks of it.
• Players may go off and substitutes go on the field wherever they feel like it.
• If it looks like a pitch invasion, it may actually be mass substitution even before the referee signals.

Law 4 – Players’ Equipment

• If the referee in the last game said it was ok, then today’s referee must also allow it. Other options: "All the (inter) national stars wear jewelry." "I just had my ear pierced." "It won’t come off." "My wife would kill me."
• Under no circumstances may a player tuck his jersey in. If the referee still insists, the player is to pull his shorts down in a demonstrative tuck-in maneuver and start pulling his jersey out as soon as it is tucked in. It won’t stay tucked because it’s slinky and/or too short.
• The shin guard must not cover more than ½ of the shin.

Law 5 – The Referee

• The referee shall agree that the coaches have a far superior view of the game and a greater insight into the Laws.
• The referee’s eyesight and watch are suspect along with his lineage.
• He is to be reminded to keep his day job.
• Coaches, concerned parents or curious spectators may run on the field any time a player falls down.
• Any card issued is proof of the referee’s bias. He must be admonished, "Call it both ways."

Law 6 – The Assistant Referees

• If the referee's decision is unfavorable, the coach should be able to induce the assistant referee to reverse it; failing to do so is reason to berate him severely.

Law 7 – The Duration of the Game

• At 90 minutes, if the team is ahead, the game must be ended regardless of how much time was wasted to preserve the win.
• The game cannot end when the ball is out of play or while an attacking play is in progress.
• The coach’s watch is the official timepiece.

Law 8 – The Start of Play

• The captain winning the coin toss will retreat to consult the meteorological station, the coach, the ouija board and a soothsayer before deciding which goal his team will attack; alternately he shall request the kickoff.
• At the kick off by the center, the inside forward (receiver) should stand 3 feet in front, in the opponents’ half.
• The referee may not drop the ball unless he properly invited everyone to attend.

Law 9 – The Ball In and Out of Play

• It is more important for the bench personnel than the AR to decide if the ball is over the touchline and they should block the AR’s view of the line who is not competent to judge out of bounds anyway.

Law 10 – The Method of Scoring

• For us: any part of the ball over the goal line.
  For the opponent: the ball must hit the back of the net.

Law 11 – Offside

• It is properly called by one of the defenders by raising his arm.
• An unmarked attacker (opponent) is by definition offside.
• If an assistant referee flags for offside against us, he must be instructed that he is to judge it when the ball is played. If the call is in our favor, we should help by shouting: "Ref, look at your linesman."

Law 12 – Fouls and Misconducts

• Anytime a player falls down, it must be a foul.
• If our player ends up with the ball, it must have been a fair play.
• When the ball accidentally contacts the opponent’s arm/hand, and he gains advantage or the direction of the ball changes, a deliberate handling occurs and is to be penalized.
• If the referee calls a foul, he must be informed thusly: "I was going for the ball" or "I got the ball." Alternate wordings: "Let us play." "You are missing a good game." "I have to protect myself." "Watch # x." "Watch the elbows."
• If a presumed foul is not called, the proper appeal is: "Come on…ref, didn’t you see that?" "You gotta protect ‘em." "Someone’s gonna get hurt out here."
• An opponent raising his foot knee high is guilty of "high kick."
• Flail arms indignantly when disagreeing with a call.
• The defenseless goalkeeper’s proper attitude while catching a high ball is one knee pulled up and elbows pointing forward at the abdomen and face respectively of the nearby opponent.
• When the goalkeeper catches the ball, all nearby opponents shall run up and stand with stares fixed in front of him.
• Any ball last touched by an opposing defender before going to his goalkeeper shall be considered a deliberate back pass and penalized with an IFK.

Law 13 – Free Kicks

• If the taker of the free kick wants 10 yards he has to ask for it.
• Part of a defender's duty is to prevent the opponent from taking a quick kick, by kicking the ball away, standing over it, or sauntering in front of it.
• Once the signal is given for the free kick, the wall may advance at will.
• The referee – upon request – should pace off or tape measure 10 yards.
• In case a quick kick hits a retreating opponent in the back within 10 yards, a retake is indicated.

Law 14 – The Penalty Kick

• The ultimate proof of the referee’s bias.